“I can’t believe this just happened.”, she thought when she walked home from the bar slowly. It was a really hot summer night and she felt so comfortable even during the night wearing only a light summer dress. The warm breeze hugged her and she was slightly tipsy, almost like floating on air when she passed the crossroad where she noticed a small path on the left which would lead through the forest but should just as well bring her to the nearby B&B she was staying for a long weekend. She also felt adventurous that night and decided to break her habit, deviate from the main road. So she chose the unknown path and she floated into the woods that night. In her mind she could still hear the music from the bar. She could still see the hungry, hunting eyes of the guy who had been buying her drinks all night. One of these hunters you find in every bar.
It had started out as an easygoing and fun night for her and the music had served as background sound to her story that was yet to unfold. Suddenly a song played that was about to bring an unexpected twist to the events. “All smiles, I know what it takes to fool this town. I’ll do it ’til the sun goes down and all through the night time.”
It had caught her completely off guard and note by note, word by word this song flushed back up all her forgotten feelings like an angry river in stormy weathers brings up muddy water and chunky pieces of drift wood sometimes. She had gotten so good at hiding her sorrow from the world and also appeared to master the art of pretending to be ok so well , she had almost fooled herself for a long time now. But that song had pushed her buttons, kicked her out of her comfortable pretentious seat and slammed her to the ground with little mercy.
Before leaving the bar she had mindless raging revenge sex with the hunter in a hidden corner of the place. She couldn’t decide who she actually had wanted revenge on nor did the act itself make any sense from a rational perspective but she had blindly followed her urges and revenge really was the only word that came to her mind.
She stumbled and tripped over what appeared to be a larger root of a tree and she fell to the ground. “Aaaaaahhh!”, she yelled into the mild summer night. “Why?! Why?!!!!! Why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!” she shouted at an invisible audience and started laughing sarcastically.
“Oh yeah. Oh yeah I’ll tell you what you wanna hear. Leave my sunglasses on while I shed a tear. It’s never the right time. Yeah yeah.”, played in her head while she sat on the ground in the midst of the woods. Feeling defeated, feeling ridiculed by the moon, the forest and all its inhabitants.
The sound of an owl scared her and she tried to stand back up. Her dress and her legs were muddy and full of earth but she didn’t care.
“Whoever falls needs to get back up, walk proudly and without shame of the battle scars”, she told herself and continued on with her best attempts of firm steps. That moon who had been making fun of her was almost full so she thought she could see its grinning face. But it also provided more light and the much needed support to find her way through the forest so she was in a forgiving mood.
The situation reminded her of a nightly walk more than two decades ago when she got lost in the woods somewhere on an small island in the South of Croatia. Back then she felt carefree and light and was easily comforted by the bright light of the stars up in the sky. Despite setbacks and pain, she still expected the world to be an intrinsically safe place and life to unfold in a favorable and compassionate way for her.
In the present moment all she wanted was to scream. Scream as loud as humanly possible, not solely to gain relief from her current pain but to get it all out. All she had been keeping inside, suppressing for the past years, convincing herself she had moved past or risen above, not ever needing an outlet.
Running had helped her to keep her unpleasant emotions at arm’s length these past years. “If needed I just run faster and leave it all behind. I can easily create a new reality.”, she frequently had thought to herself while rushing through the idyllic landscape surrounding her neighborhood.
Then her eyes filled with tears, she could barely see her next steps ahead and Sia still shouted that song in her ears “…I put my armor on, show you how strong I am. I’m unstoppable. I’m a Porsche with no breaks. I’m invincible…”
After what had felt like hours she finally found herself back in the B&B and she went straight to bed without a shower, removing her makeup or drinking any water.
She woke up the next morning and noticed that her sheets were covered in dirt as she hadn’t taken off her clothes before bed either. Her head hurt badly, her throat was dryer than she had felt in a very long time and she was exhausted. She walked into the bath room to get some water. She looked into the mirror and she saw an ugly face full of mud, mascara smeared all over it and a thin, long, red scar on her forehead. But she also recognized her innermost self looking back at her. Finally! Raw, real, unmasked and of an intense beauty. “Hello you!” she said to the face in the mirror. “The stunning beauty of authenticity and true hope”, she thought while deeply looking into her own eyes with compassion and forgiveness. She took a shower and left the B&B, knowing exactly where to go and what to do next on her journey.
Interesting read! I feel inclined to immediately stream the music mentioned here on Spotify. Also nice ending!