She wasn’t able to take her eyes off what presented itself in the distance. These miraculous reflections of the sun’s light and even the clouds on the surface of the mountain lake she could see in the distance. It’s how she always imagined an arctic landscape. Yet she was right in a tropical forest but in a more mountainous area. Tiny birds were singing a melodic song this evening and they were hopping playfully over the branches of the palm trees which surrounded the wooden cabin she stayed in.
It’s been an intense couple of months, maybe even a year. These times had brought a lot of change but also new perspectives. She had lost her job at the renowned accountancy firm for which she had been working for already fifteen years. Around that same time her mother had passed away unexpectedly at a relatively young age. They had never been close however losing a parent is an indescribable pain no matter the circumstances. She had learned this the hard way. In addition yet another relationship had fallen apart, for once before it even began. She poured a bit of the cheap local wine she had found in the supermarket into her travel mug. “Cheers to me! That’s what i call traveling and drinking in style! As it should be!“ , she yelled and laughed out loud when toasting to herself.
After all, things weren’t all bad. With her part time yoga teaching and the occasional small writing or translation jobs combined with her savings, she could still make it for a few more months at least. So there was time to breathe, even if just for a short moment. „And there are no certainties in life anyway“ she thought. „If life has taught me one lesson, this would be it“.
She was sitting outside the cabin and her eyes tried to discover the surroundings in detail. They saw endless forests and fields in countless shades of green randomly decorated with colorful blossoms if the trees were in the right mood to bloom that season. She had learned that the blue hortensia was called „a thousand flowers“ in the local language. That name was so much more appropriate she thought. She observed the clouds and at some point she was certain that she saw at least a gigantic seahorse, a puppy and a small bear playing in the sky. Some of them were just plain white, others were colored by the sun in light yellow tones while many were dark blue carrying the heaviness of the rain or a thunderstorm. „Remarkable how much they resemble us. When my mind is creative it produces all these beautiful shapes too, just in the form of words in my case i guess. And if i have an uneventful but decent day i feel like my mind is full of random white clouds. If i’m particularly cheerful and feel nothing but happiness my mind shines in yellow, orange or even pink but if my heart is heavy and i’m in pain the dark shades of blue seem most appropriate. And just like my friends the dark clouds up in the air I find release eventually through my tears streaming down my face like a heavy rain.”
Her mind went back to the young toothless woman she had met a few days ago near the coast before she had come up here. The woman had asked her if she was God. “What an incredibly weird thing to ask. Regardless the circumstances.” she thought. “ And above everything, asking me out of all people as a not really a traditional believer” , she thought and shook her head, still in disbelief. She felt sorry for the woman because she had lost her husband to illness and was now crippled with fear not knowing how to provide for her family. “ I feel blessed”, she thought to herself and finished the wine in the travel mug. The sun was preparing to say goodnight in the coming half an hour and she was about to prepare some food before it got dark.
The cabin she stayed in was small, basic and in a remote location so she had to proof her talent of improvisation. But it was exactly what she needed these days. Everyday life and its small challenges felt so different here so it was easier to distance herself from what was waiting for her back home.
Her plan was to go and get some wood and leaves from the forest but instead she froze in complete amazement by what was about to unfold in front of her eyes. Her eyes locked eyes with a magical deep red sunset. The red sun was passionately hugged an tightly tucked in from all sides by bright orange and dark blue clouds. “It’s like they’re lovers who promise to never let each other go.” she thought and she clearly felt her heart was still broken. Her mind strongly called her to be more rational but she couldn’t blame her heart for needing more time.
She headed into the forest with what she considered careful and considerate steps. “Ouch! Oooooh! Ouch, nooooo! “ she screamed into the emptiness of the forest. “I must have fallen down the embankment I’ve seen around here before” she thought and tried to sit up. Her clothes started to feel wet and she heard the sound of running water close by. “Yes, I’m definitely by the small river now.” she figured. Her left ankle was twisted, she could start to feel it swell and she sensed an intense pain in her right knee. She made another attempt to get back up but instead she slided down backwards even further now. Her clothes got soaked instantly so she must have landed in or very close to the small river now. For minutes she tried to get herself into an upright position but luck wasn’t on her side that night. She cut the palm of her right hand open on a sharp stone in the water and soon she could feel the warmth of her blood running down her arm. ”Why???? Can’t it be enough already?!! “ she shouted out loud full of anger. As time passed the anger was replaced by anxiety, sadness and then even despair. But most of all she felt an intense loneliness. That loneliness she had been fighting so hard for so long in her life. First by never being by herself, always tied up in a relationship to cover the feeling up. But that had come at an unbearable price. The price of being lonely together. A terrible way to live. “ Never alone but always lonely “ she thought and shivered by the thought of it. After freeing herself from this burden she decided for an impactful life change which included relocating to another country. What greeted her in her new life was a different kind of loneliness. One she hadn’t known before. Being new, different and not fitting in with others made her feel isolated from the start and her fear of being rejected by her new home quickly made her accept isolation as a necessary consequence rather than getting hurt by taking a risk and feel not being welcomed. After years she had even succeeded to convince herself that being by herself was what she had chosen. What she had wanted all along. Her path.
That all held true until recently when she met him.
She started crying now. Her heart felt like these deep blue clouds she had seen earlier. She cried because she was freezing, completely soaked and because she was in pain. Because she didn’t know how to make it out of the current situation and because loneliness was overwhelming her. She was back to feeling that bitter taste of facing the world on her own. “If i weren’t still alone, someone would be with me now to help. Or at least come looking for me.” she thought. “Is it fate? Is it me? Am i just too broken and unable to heal? Are these things random or am i simply out of luck? Or is this as the toothless lady had suggested even up to (a) God?”
These brief moments of unknown happiness and safety came flushing back to her mind now. For just a short while she had felt like she belonged somewhere, belonged with someone. “How could i get it so wrong?” she thought while feeling more and more tired. Suddenly she heard steps and she held her breath. The steps stopped for a moment but then she heard a bark. The barking came closer and she soon felt the warmth of a dog’s body close to her. A bright light blinded her and she asked “ Are you God? “ while staring into the eyes of the toothless woman.
Loved it! Keep them coming 🥰
thanks so much 😊