“Ouch, this tea is still so hot!” she shouted and dropped the mug on the floor. A piece broke off on the top and she suppressed a scream. It was still her favorite mug, a farewell gift from someone she’d always feel connected with in a special way. She had burnt her lips with the tea and also her tongue felt numbed by the heat.
For a moment she wanted to get angry. Angry at herself, angry at the hot water, angry at the circumstances, the precise moment. And in general just angry at the world. She took a deep breath instead and decided it was time for a break from work. It’s been weeks of intense focus on her new project. She’d been working with such dedication and newly found passion that she often lost track of time. On frequent occasions she had found herself working through the nights realizing how much time had passed only once the shy morning sun sent its greetings through the blinds of her living room on the ground floor. The gentle day light showcased the impeccable green of her peaceful army of plants in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows.
She had abandoned her office upstairs ever since she had started on her first project as an independent consultant supporting a documentary film about art. Somehow the clean office space with its white electric desk, the big screens and the printer didn’t feel right anymore. Also she felt like the light pink walls that once made her cheerful while reviewing spreadsheets or compiling presentations had been closing in on her lately and the small window in front of the desk only offered limited hope to escape from the room.
When she stepped outside her house she inhaled deeply and twirled around, closing her eyes for a moment. “ This feels so right she thought.”, and she started walking. Her eyes were wide open and she barely blinked as if she was afraid to miss anything.
That feeling of ultimate freedom she sensed in every cell of her body whenever being outdoors surrounded by nature was unrivaled. Watching the sky, counting the clouds and be astonished by their shapes. Observe the birds randomly visiting the trees around, listening to their stories and hearing them sing their songs particularly early in the morning before the rest of the world would awake.
The trees waived at her when she passed the small lake and turned left into the nearby park. She soon crossed the bridge leading over the wide canal and she gazed into the far. Her eyes tried to follow the water on its journey down the canal but they had to acknowledge their natural limitation being only capable of finite sight after all. “ I wonder where it’s going?”, she found herself thinking. “Right now I would like to be a water drop in this canal, or a wave in the sea. Just floating in the moment, mirroring the beauty of the skies whenever the light hits from just the right angle. Sparkling with grace and joy, never just being in one place. Not knowing where the journey takes you, fully immersed in the moment, often being observed by a searching eye on the quest to find a second of peaceful happiness in everyday normalcy.”
She continued with her walk through nature trying to make sense of the flood of thoughts and memories washing through her mind. ‘Nothing will ever be the same.”, she thought.” It can’t possibly be. And that holds true literally and figuratively.”, she added to her own thoughts.
“No moment ever returns in the exact same shape or form, no person you’ll meet can be met again the same way. Essentially no breath you’ll take will be as the one before. Even if they might resemble one another so much that it’s impossible to identify a difference.”
A subtle feeling of anxiety emerged when she came closer to the huge bridge. She considered it a modern, beautiful and aesthetic design and she had crossed it with her bicycle countless times as it was crucial path leading off the island she lived on. But she couldn’t shake that feeling of losing control whenever she was attempting to simply walk over the bridge as if her legs couldn’t be trusted. So she mostly gave into her irrational fears and avoided the situation altogether.
“Nothing will ever be the same.”, she reminded herself and she decided to give it another try that day and she started to move forward. First full of ambition and conviction that she would defeat her angst for once. Each step became slower and less secure the further she progressed and eventually she decided to stop. She had made it almost to the center of this long bridge and she looked down into the river. Her knees were feeling weak and shaky but she put on a brave face and held on tightly to the railing
Without a warning the railing opened in front of here and there was no way to keep solid ground beneath her feet. “This is it.”, she thought when she was immersed in that dreaded feeling only a free fall could trigger in her, convinced she’d inevitably crash down too hard to have any chance of survival. The last thing she thought of was the yellow buoy she had been noticing on her walks through the neighborhood every day. It reminded her of the yellow ball she had been practicing with for these past few months. For her it had symbolized hope, courage and eventually conviction that she could live her life in alignment with her inner true self. No hiding, no pretending, no more fear of being an outcast. Daring to be different. “Being unapologetically myself. Daring to be happy.” she thought.
She opened her eyes. While her hands were still clinging on to the railing she noticed that her clothes were starting to be soaked as heavy summer rain was pouring down on her. She sank down on her knees, touching the ground and her tears merged with the tears of the sky in that moment. “Nothing ever felt this real.”, she thought, being overwhelmed by relief of understanding that her mind must have played tricks on her but also sensing a new found boldness after she had came face to face with her biggest fear.
The sun broke through the clouds while the rain kept falling with unchanged force when she saw a scooter approaching way too fast for the weather conditions. The driver lost control in an attempt to break and crashed right into her with brutal force. His yellow helmet hit the ground coming to a stop in front of her smiling face resting in a puddle of blood.
Loved it! What a surprising ending!